Michael Bay can’t stop producing remakes of classic franchises. It’s like his daughter has been kidnapped by an insane terrorist group who won’t let her go until he has made every single movie and television franchise we’ve ever known and loved beautiful and soulless. He’s scraped through the entire world of classic horror, most of the world of action and children’s toys. It is obvious what must surely be next on his list: The Golden Girls. The Golden Girls is popular enough and has been gone long enough that it’s just itching for a remake, plus with Betty White doing Saturday Night Live it’s only a matter of time before Michael Bay gets his hands on the series. This is in all likelihood how it would go:

The Cast:

Jessica Biel as Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak

Scarlett Johanssen as Rose Nylund

Those Triplets Hugh Hefner Banged as Blanche Devereaux

iCarly as Sophia Petrillo

In the Michael Bay remake Rose comes home flush with excitement, she’s met a new suitor and he’s just the cat’s meow! He’s 148 feet tall, made entirely of a metal that is extremely rare on Earth but common in outer space, and can turn into a big rig. Blanche says she’s happy for Rose and would love to meet this gentleman caller, but it’s obvious that she really wants to seduce him and have him all to herself. Hijinx ensue when while waiting for Rose’s new suitor to arrive a giant metal scorpion kills Sophia and Blanche, Rose, and Dorothy have to go on a quest to avenge Sophia, and learn a little something in the process, mostly through PG-13 rated group sex scenes.