My Dearest Carla,

Oh Carla, my Carla.  How are you?  It’s been awhile now since we first met beneath the flicker of light of my very first bedroom television set.  You know, the “hand me down” with the UHF knob and the speaker that would crap out constantly?  Oh, 1988 episode of Who’s The Boss? with 17 year old Carla in a prom dress, how I miss you.

Surprised I recall that night?  How could I forget the day I fell for your lovely brown locks and intoxicating smile.  And when you popped up on Doogie Howser M.D. and ALF, I was there.  I was there when you guest starred on Quantum Leap and The Wonder Years, and during your single season of Falcon Crest. In fact, my favorite Florida born Italian-American actress with a butterfly tattoo, you’ve had nothing but single seasons on TV.

Why is that?  Have you offended TV in some manner?  Did TV hit on you during a wrap party for your movie of the week Murder Without Motive: The Edmund Perry Story?  I certainly can’t blame TV for trying! Whatever happened, it is a shame because you are both beautiful and talented and deserve your chance at television immortality.

 And by “immortality” I mean the kind of sweet residual checks that can keep you in Chanel and Louboutins for the rest of your sexy life.  Carla, you deserve syndication.

As Sydney St. James in the aforementioned Falcon Crest, you had only 11 episodes before the show came to an end and still managed to have an affair before fade out!  Then six years later you got a main role as Michael J. Fox’s girlfriend on a promising new show called Spin City.  Things changed and you only made it into 12 episodes.

Not to fear! You nailed the audition and got a role as a doctor on CBS’ medical drama Chicago Hope! Audiences love hospital shows, plus it has Mandy Patinkin and L.A. Law showrunner David E. Kelley!  This will be a slam dunk… what’s that?  Oh yeah, Patinkin and Kelley split in season 2, which was four years before you signed on to finish out the show’s final season at a respectable, yet hardly Earth shattering, 23 episodes.

Oh Carla, when will they learn how amazing you are?  As it turns out, somewhere around 2003 when ABC spent millions to bring a character made famous by Jennifer Lopez in Out Of Sight to TV’s everywhere with Karen Sisco.  Carla, you were a star!  The leading lady and the face of a highly touted hour long cop drama that would surely never be canceled!  Damn.  Seven episodes in and done, leaving three shows unaired with no plans for even a DVD release.  Ouch, but I could never blame you sweet Carla.

Which brings us back to CBS and their idea of a peace offering, Threshold.  This is on DVD and having recently watched all of its paltry 13 episodes, I can safely say, you lucked out on this one.  Better to walk away and rake in some Spy Kids cash than keep up with this sci-fi clunker.

Now, you have had your share of made for TV movies.  Hallmark’s A Season for Miracles and A Private Matter.  Clearly titles of distinction, but my favorite has to be Mermaid Chronicles Part 1: She Creature in which you play Lily, an Irish carny who abducts a vampiric mermaid.  And let’s not forget a whopping nine episodes of HBO’s hit Entourage!

So there you have it, in recurring roles across six shows, TV has only given you 78 episodes to share your spark with the world. I’m holding back the tears Carla.  You deserve so much more!  Call me, I can be your shoulder.  That is, if you’re not too busy promoting your film career, cashing checks from Watchmen DVD sales, getting naked for Robert Rodriguez and oh yeah, Californication!!!

Yours truly,

Michael