Last night the wife threw in the towel on CW’s latest, Life Unexpected.  While the first half of the pilot was kind of boring, the second gave me hope that this could evolve into a quality little show.  Episode number two came and I thought, “hmm, I hope they pick up the pace soon.”  Number three passed my eyes and I pondered, “will they ever just get going and stop retelling me she’s their once put up for adoption foster kid?”  But in number four, carrying the horrible moniker of “Bong Interrupted,” the camel’s back broke.

The evidence against Life Unexpected.

It’s no Gilmore Girls:  An odd accusation, but not when you consider CW’s entire advertising blitz for Life was based on the idea that this was the second coming of Stars Hollow.  Regardless of what you think about one of my all time favorite shows, Amy Sherman-Palladino was highly respected as a wordsmith, weaving witty dialog with razor sharp character development.  So far Life comes off more like a less religious version of Everwood.  Conversations feel contrived and are usually forgettable.  They’re going for big moral lessons, but so far all we’ve seen is a bunch of whining from one dimensional characters.  Verdict: Guilty of faulty promotion.

Extended Pilot:  Every episode so far has served the same purpose.  Every week, they are treading over the same material, pounding the idea of “look at our weird situation” into the ground.  Okay, we get it.  They gave her up, she’s back, it’s interesting, let’s go already!  Appleby’s Cate summed it up in show number four when she talked about how the entire time it feels like Lux is running away, that’s because it’s true.  The set-up isn’t rocket science and there’s only so much good faith I can give Life before it just starts annoying me.  Verdict: Guilty for a sluggish plot.

Kerr Smith:  Sorry dude from Dawson’s Creek, but you have the facial expressions of a botoxed block of wood.  Whether Ryan is proposing marriage, being a high and mighty know-it-all, or cracking a “joke,” this boyfriend/fiancee/co-host eats up scenes with a dead pan that would make Steven Wright jealous.  He’s been too big a part of the narrative so far and taken away from the story’s natural development pace.  Verdict: Guilty of setting up an obviously doomed relationship.

What’s in a Name?

:  Our young heroine suffers from the God awful name of “Lux.”  Now, I’m not bagging the name, it is kind of neat in that hipster Portland way, but it is born out of the writer’s desire for a cutesy device to look clever and interesting.  In the pilot it is explained that she was given the name Lux because it means light.  The working title for this show was “Light Years,” both a reference to the parental learning curve and her name.  It also would’ve been incredibly ironic seeing as the show moves along like a wounded slug.  If that’s not a sappy enough writer’s conceit for you, how about this: Life UneXpected.  Really?  They actually spelled out the show name that way for awhile feeling that audiences might desire a brick to the forehead to make sure they got it.  That was after they changed the name to both just “LUX” and the worst idea ever for a show who’s primary demographic is teen girls, “Parental Discretion Advised.”  Verdict: Guilty of excessive use of parallels.

Lux Unadopted:  Speaking of Brittany Robertson (you might recall her from an awesome role in Dan in Real Life) as Lux, are we supposed to buy that no one adopted a cute curly haired blonde white girl for 15 years because the state was paying for her to have some heart surgery?  In fact, the whole stigma of being a foster kid and the foster care system of Oregon as portrayed in Life seems like it might piss off some social workers in the Rose City.  Verdict: let’s call this a hung jury for now.

The Radio Show: This reminds me of Studio 60, where the show was good, but came to a dead stop every time they switched over to their SNL style comedy sketches.  They were some of the most unfunny moments in TV history but were supposed to be hilarious.  The “Morning Madness” radio show hosted by Cate and Ryan is a stilted flow of scripted banter about as casual and loose as a welding robot arm in a car factory.  Not to mention the studio is pristine, the staff is good looking and well dressed, and every scene involves at least 30 seconds of dead air as they stare into microphones.  Verdict: Guilty for betraying realism.

While I think the idea for Life Unexpected is solid, the execution thus far has been weak.  Except for Smith, I like the actors involved and the groundwork is there.  Stop selling me on it and let them inhabit that world now and grow.  Knowing me, I’ll probably stick it out a little longer.  After all,we’re only four chapters into a 13 episode season.  I’m gonna save my final verdict for later, but the defense is gonna need to really wow me and soon if they hope to avoid a life sentence for failed potential violations.