Here’s the thing, I’m not very good at math.  I didn’t make it to trig in high school, but I do know if you want to count to 10, you don’t start at zero.  So, while the stickler in me knows 2009 does not technically bring an end to the decade, it does bring an end to the “aughts.”  So, I thought I’d strap on my snark helmet and take on the worst things to happen to TV since the Y2K bug never happened.

MTV

There was still a heartbeat in this channel come 2000 when stats claim they were playing eight hours of videos per day.  Come 2008, that stat sank to three hours, although that seems inflated.

 The only time I see full videos is over night and even their Total Request Live show airs 30 seconds of a song at best.  Old enough to remember its birth, I can safely say this channel is dead.  Their original programming continues to descend further into crappy exploitation (see Jersey Shore or Date My Mom) while they work as hard as they can to turn their name into the dictionary’s example of “irony.”  MTV’s relevance is gone in this age of YouTube and iTunes.  Gone is Kurt Loder telling us about Kurt Cobain’s death; in is The Hills.  The only use this channel has anymore is to serve as a warning as to what can happen when greed overruns your mission statement.

Star Trek Gets A Theme Song

You know what I remember about the premier of Star Trek: Enterprise?  I remember hearing that damn “Faith of the Heart” song and switching over to the series premier of Alias.  Me, a devout Trekkie, could not stomach that sappy piece of crap from a franchise known for its wonderful symphonic scores.  The biggest insult?  It wasn’t even original!  It was sung by Rod Stewart in Patch Adams!  Enterprise proved just as lame as its credits, ending mercifully after four seasons, putting a halt to 18 straight years of Trek on television.

The Import Business

Some of the most memorable shows in TV history have been brought over in shipping containers. Three’s Company was Man About the House in the U.K.   All in the Family was Till Death Do Us Part. The Office was… well, The Office.  It can be an extremely successful enterprise, but in the double-o’s NBC in particular phoned in some awful import updates for the States.  Coupling was the Brits answer to Friends, so of course why not bring the copy over here and we can all see what generation loss is really about!  Scripts were shot word for word from the original only without any of the charm or wry wit of “jolly olde.”  Kath & Kim flew in from Australia and missed the runway (read “point”) entirely during its only season.  On Food Network, Iron Chef America felt like a junior high production of Miss Saigon without the helicopter.

The Writer’s Strike Aftermath

As a writer myself, I fully supported the strike and believe the Guild made the correct choice.  The AMPTP loves to point out how over $300 million in wages was lost, but all they had to do was move a few cents over in their negotiations and all of it would’ve gone away.  The real villain is how studios and producer’s used the strike to slash and burn their operations.  Hundreds of low level employees were canned, development deals were cancelled, and even show runners found themselves being threatened with lawsuits for not crossing picket lines.  It was a prime example of how big business has taken over Hollywood and creativity is pushed aside for shareholders and bonus checks.  As a result of all this, the industry has changed dramatically with fewer pilots, smaller budgets, less jobs, more runaway production, and networks filled with “unscripted” crappy reality shows.

“Nippple-gate”

Ah yes, February 1st, 2004.  Super Bowl roman numeral something or other and the “accidental” reveal of Janet  Jackson’s booby during a half time show which sent the nation’s broadcasters into a tailspin.  The FCC went into panic mode and clamped down on everything everywhere.  Radio and TV found their freedoms virtually chopped in half as the standard fine for indecency went up from $27,500 to a staggering $325,000!!  An atmosphere of fear swept broadcasting as the moral majority went on the attack against anything and everything.  No show was left unharmed by the witch hunt and big names like Howard Stern even jumped ship and went over to satellite.  The whole incident begs the question as to what was more harmful; one second of boob or the loss of freedom it inspired?

Was it an accident?  That depends, would you like to buy this land I have in Florida?  Of course it wasn’t!  It was a staged moment, part of the show, and I wish all involved would just pony up and admit it already.  Timberlake even ripped the detachable fabric off during the line “I’m gonna have you naked.”  It was a stunt.  A horrible stunt that has greatly infringed on freedom of speech rights ever since.

(Carson Photo Via: MTV