If you haven’t been witness to the majesty that is Jersey Shore, it’s time for you to wise up and start watching. It’s like a horrible car accident, complete with severed limbs and gallons of blood, and you simply can’t look away.

If you remember, last week Pauly D and J-WOWW (where do they come up with these names?) made out on the dance floor. But she doesn’t remember it…or at least, she doesn’t act like she remembers it. After all, she’s a taken woman! And “guidettes” are known for being loyal to their men. I jest.

J-WOWW’s boyfriend Tom is coming to visit, and she’s freaking out a little. All of the Jersey Shore housemates think that Tom should break up with J-WOWW immediately, and I can’t say that I don’t agree.

Tom feels the same way, apparently, when he tells J-WOWW that he would leave her if she every cheated on him. For some reason, I thought that this was always a deal-breaker in a monogamous relationship. Weird. J-WOWW decides to break the news to Tom, and he hangs up. Who would have guessed?

Angelina and her boyfriend Mike are having some issues, too. Every time they talk on the phone, he acts like a primo douchebag to her, and I don’t think she’s smart enough to get that. (Side note, kids: we soon find out that Mike is married and going through a divorce. This adds even more drama to this already dramatic situation.) Mike meets Angelina out at some crappy club, and he proceeds to break up with her for apparently no reason. Wait a minute…I thought these kids were out of high school.

Anyway, Angelina is all caught up in her own drama and neglects to go to work the next day. Come on, girl. Even I know that you should at least call in if you’re going to take a “personal day,” as I like to call them. So Angelina just doesn’t show up, and the boss pays her a house call. She won’t talk to him where cameras are around, and he gives her an ultimatum…so she says peace out and leaves the Jersey Shore. Needless to say, the housemates celebrate her leaving. And I laughed.

Snookie might just be my favorite train wreck on this show. She has a Bump-It permanently fixed to her head, her lips are non-existent, her skin is orange from so much fake tanner, and her cheeks puff out like a Troll doll’s. In fact, a lot about Snookie could be compared to a Troll doll.

Next week’s episode promises to be even more insane. Snookie gets punched in the face full-force by a dude. That’s right—I’m sure you’ve already seen the video, as it’s been plastered all over the Internet.

Now, I conclude with one rule that I think should be universal: if a guy takes more than 10 minutes to get ready, something is seriously wrong with him. “Guidos,” pay attention. There is such a thing as too much hair product.

Check out the first edition of the “after show” below…