12 Things You DON’T Need to Be a Reality TV Star

So you want to make it in the world of entertainment? Gather ‘round, because anyone can become famous on a non-scripted TV show; it’s the ass of the industry but everyone will get their 15 minutes of fame. The usual requirements for the industry include qualities like talent and beauty, but reality television is on it’s own completely. You don’t need a lot of things to have your share of pseudo-fame, just don’t waste it.

Common Sense

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Let’s start with common sense. We all need it in our everyday lives, right? Apparently not when you’re on a reality show.

In fact, producers have banked upon the lack of common sense to make good TV after all. Socialites Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie were aptly recruited for display of their stupidity in The Simple Life. They pranced across the country struggling to maintain manual labor jobs like doing farm work and working at fast food joints… and couldn’t even succeed without major mishap. If you can manage to complete basic tasks like breathing, you can survive the reality TV circuit.

Intelligence

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Surely if common sense isn’t a prerequisite for reality TV superstardom, intelligence isn’t. You really could pull it off if you had sponge for brains. Exhibit A: Jessica Simpson. Though her reality show Newlyweds: Nick and Jessica is a bit dated, we all remember her line, “I know it’s tuna, but it says chicken. Chicken… by the sea.” It really doesn’t need any further elaboration. Go ahead, drool at the screen.

Attractiveness

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You want to have your fifteen minutes, but you’re fugly? Not a problem. You don’t need great looks to be famous on a reality show, just look at Omarosa Manface-Stallworth. Seriously, she’s like a festering STD in our televisions; she won’t go away. Even though she recently got a boob-job, our eyes are not fooled. Point is, you can look like a she-male and still have your piece of fame.

Personality

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You want to be interesting, so people will watch! You want to be real and deep, except you aren’t any of the above; you don’t have a personality. Just do like the Kardashians do and be your regular stale self! Her family isn’t even endearing, but somehow people keep watching. Real people are boring. Completely vapid is the new black.

Originality

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These days you can get away with worn out concepts, so who needs originality? There was nothing original about Ali Lohan’s reality series Living Lohan. Or should I say her mom’s series, since it was one of many desperate attempts at manufacturing fame for her and her little one after failing to ride LiLo’s coattails. Fall into a stereotype and you’re in; calling all dumb blondes, drama queens, and Ed Hardy-wearing douchebags.

Talent

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Unless you want to be on American Idol or something similar, you don’t need to be talented. Some would even argue that contestants on these talent (read: popularity) shows aren’t talented. On the average reality show, you can take up space and don’t need a special skill to get ahead. Take Jon and Kate Gosselin for example, they make babies, argue and were in their fourth season before drama-rama exploded in divorce. Now it’s just Kate Plus Eight. We don’t care, go away please.

Privacy

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Richard Hatch is the first thing that comes to mind when thinking of lack of privacy on reality shows. It’s a given that you don’t have privacy when cameras are in your face 24/7, but some choose to up the ante. Hatch frequented the island on the first season of Survivor completely naked. I’ll spare you the horror of those images, and the ones from his porno career as a bear-man that followed. You want the link don’t you? Sicko.

Anger Management

I was really torn on this one. I am absolutely positive you don’t need to master anger management to be in reality television, in fact, it’s encouraged to completely erupt on your co-stars. There were so many good examples to choose from, so I’ll leave you with this lovely clip.

Inside Voice

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Unless you dropped out really early, you’ll remember your third grade teacher demanding use of an inside voice. Whether you listened or not is another issue; you don’t need an inside voice in reality TV, and those who didn’t listen take advantage of this. Feel free to raise your voice to make a point like Teresa on The Real Housewives of New Jersey, and turn over a table while you’re at it, for dramatic effect of course.

Tact

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You’d think that participating on The Bachelor series would require some sensitivity, right? No. Apparently sifting through whores doesn’t require tact at all, they don’t have feelings. Season 13 bachelor Jason Mesnick is the poster boy for lack of tact. He seemed like the sweet, well-rounded single father, but quickly lost his following at the end of the season when he very publicly dumped the woman he proposed to for the runner up. Think you can match that? You’ll do swimmingly.

Morals

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Finding a woman in reality television with no morals is like finding brown on Coke, so you can understand my hardship in picking just the right one. You don’t need morals in reality TV, take it from Trishelle Cannatella. She’s a bit of a blast from the past, making her name known on The Real World Las Vegas, but her memorable first moments of the show participating in a three-way make-out session take the cake. Pull this stunt, maybe prance around nude on your other shows, shoot some nudes to spice up your portfolio and you’re good to go.

Self-Respect

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I had a hard time placing Heidi Montag in this list, because she falls under so many categories. She may as well be the list. If you would sell your grandma’s dentures to get a quickie shot with the paparazzi, then you have your chance at reality TV superstardom, because you don’t need self-respect. Heidi openly calls herself the modern-day Mother Theresa, boasts that she “loves Jesus” on her Twitter page but doesn’t bat an eye when it comes to posing for Playboy or framing gratuitous bikini-clad ass shots for the paparazzi. She will sell herself at every corner, and if you do this too, you have a shot.